Shot to the gut...

Episode XXXVIII - Lose Yourself


Neulasta Shot #6


I had unfortunately had a pretty rough nauseous night, so going in for the Neulasta shot was less appealing than normal. To try and help put me in a good mood I purposely put on my happy, bright color shirt & cap. I was willing to pretty much do anything to keep my attitude positive and I nothing like bringing a little cheer into the cancer center!


Here I go again...


Treatment for Neulasta was so simple. It amazes me each time how quickly the process was... check in, go to short term treatment, sit down, take shot, and leave. Usually it takes around 15 minutes and painless. Painless, because I do not have an issue with shots. Plus, as many times I am stuck with a needle for chemo, the small shot seems minor. Unfortunately, the side effects were not minor!


A room with a view. Getting a tiny shot...


Some days you knowingly walk into a world of trouble. Each time I walk into treatment for the Neulasta shot I knew that it was going to be a tough week. While I do not dread the shot, I do not look forward to the pain that it brings. It was an unavoidable necessary evil! I understand that. I recognize that. I even respect that. However, I do not enjoy it!!!


The reality the shot brings me...


The pain that something so small can cause was dumbfounding. Each treatment has created it's own challenges. For me, I seem to be affected either Top to Bottom or Bottom to Top:

Top to Bottom

The shot will start the bone pain in my jaw and neck. It will work its way down my body. Usually, when it starts this way, I will be unable to eat for a day or two without major discomfort. Each bite of food will feel as if it was breaking my jaw when I chew. It will work its way throughout my body. Usually making breathing challenging (rib cage pain) and walking difficult (hip & knee pain).

Bottom to Top

The shot will start the bone pain in my legs. It will work its way up my body. Usually, when it starts this way, I will be unable to walk easily due to my knees feeling like they will snap. My hips and knees will be in so much discomfort that it will convince my brain that I am incapable of walking. However I will walk, just in severe pain. Eating will be less difficult, but my neck will still feel incapable of holding my head.

The treatment I had was definitely Bottom to Top. I was grabbing the end of the bed when I walked or should I say wobbled. The distance from the bed to the toilet seemed like a long distance track. Getting back into bed seemed like a monumental task... where was my adjustable bed option?!


Neulasta is to Bane what I am to Batman!


Unfortunately, both ways will provide an overall body pain that I cannot truly describe. The pain will intensify and linger until eventually it gradually fades. There was no way to determine how long or short it would last as each time it was different. I am not sure if I will ever get used to it, but I refuse to let it damper my spirits!


In my head...


I can officially say I am halfway through with the Taxotere treatment! I only have two more shots to endure... which I am very grateful for. Each one of these treatments tests my resolve and the resolve of those around me. My poor family, the more I linger in pain the more they often have to watch and listen to my insane rantings. I suppose I am allowed a tiny bit of understanding. That or they need to just lock me away in my room for a week... I better not give them that option!!!


“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.” 
- Robert Frost


Episode Reference: Lose Yourself, Eminem song

Week 17 Update... Major Milestones

Episode XXXIX - Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching...


Nothing beats looking at the positives... and I have some major milestones that I am looking at right now!

  • 1/2 way finished with Taxotere
  • 3/4 way finished with chemotherapy

With everything that has gone on, I am so excited to see those accomplishments. I know I still have a long path ahead, but the past 4 months of treatment have sure been teaching me life lessons. Many centered on strength, endurance, and appreciation. I will continue on the path for the next 2 months of chemotherapy and beyond into my other treatments. I am still a happy cancer patient!!!

Of course, it would not be a updating week without some updates. It seems that with the start of school our house became a beacon of illness. With one case of strep behind us, it would only be fitting that we got a second case of strep right after we all completed antibiotics. Yes, I endured my chemo/shot week and I was already down... so I got to add strep into the mix again. I mean, what were the chances...


 
Guess who has strep again? 
And don't they look thrilled about the potential treatment options.


While I never really felt recovered from my first go round with strep, I now got to get on a stronger type of antibiotic to help get rid of the infection. I did notice a vast improvement in my energy level after 3 days of antibiotics. However, I gave up on even wearing a mask to protect myself when they told me they were sick this time. By that time it was already too late. Colds and kids... they love to share!!!


Looking forward to feeling better... not good... better!


Not only did I have a whirlwind of illness, chemotherapy, and life... I had to deal with insurance! That comment alone should stand without explanation. The joys of insurance. We were at a great place with my husband's old company. Deductible met. Coverage awesome. However with a job change we were starting over and no insurance company really wants to pay for treatment. We were good, we doubled up insurance coverage for one full day so we would have no pre-existing condition clause. We researched and knew chemotherapy had to be pre-approved before treatment, so we pushed Human Resources to expedite our insurance quickly to accomplish the pre-approval. Note: that was a two day argument that eventually had to be turned over to the cancer center. They got to argue on my behalf. I wish I had done that immediately.

Insurance should have been all set, but in my world errors were bound to happen and they did!!! Apparently, they accidentally activated and deactivated our insurance on the same day. I found that out a week later at a doctor's appointment where I spent an excessive amount of time on the phone trying to handle the situation so I could see my doctor. I found that out again a few days later when I was denied a prescription following a chemotherapy appointment and spent an excessive amount of time on the phone trying to handle the situation. I found that out again a week later when I was denied a prescription for my son and spent some time on the phone trying to handle the situation. I found that out again the following day when I was denied a prescription for my daughter and made my husband handle the call!


3 weeks. 
4 denied coverage. 4 phone calls. 4 approved coverage. 
1 insurance nightmare.


The insurance company has been a source of frustration for the past 3 weeks and I only hope that it has all been resolved. I suppose I will find out next time someone goes to the doctor or needs a prescription... which might be soon seeing that my kids keep bringing illnesses home!!!

I am still conflicted with multiple side effects. Last I looked, I had successfully had every side effect on Taxotere's list, including the less common side effects. Not only can I claim that privilege, I have some side effects that they do not even bother listing. Go me!!

The side effects were taking their toll, but I have tried to keep them manageable. I continue to have new problems add to existing problems. Once I figure out the best way to handle them they become just part of my routine. Instead of fussing and fighting with each new symptom, I just figure out the best coping strategy. I try not to worry or get upset, I just make a creative attempt to handle it. At some point you just have to laugh and realize that there's no fighting the side effects, just a way to manage them.


Oh joy... me managing my regular morning nose bleed!


For bigger issues I make additional visits with additional doctors. Because I was having ringing in my ears and I have already had bilateral hearing loss, I made a follow up appointment with my ENT. I also wanted to discuss the enlarged neck node I had before treatment and make sure he felt I was treating it appropriately since it went away with chemotherapy.

My bilateral hearing loss was actually about the same... good. I mean my hearing loss was not good, but I did not have more... good. The tinnitus (ringing in ear) had become very loud and annoying. Sometimes so loud that normal conversations were hard to hear. Seems that was just part of the chemo. As for the neck node, they probably should have biopsied it, but since my chemo was aggressive he was not too concerned. The node had shrunk so if it had been cancerous - it was getting zapped!!



In my head...


With so many things going on it was hard to tend to myself. Even though I was exhausted from my chemo/shot the kids still had school, after-school activities, and got sick again. I spent a lot of my time and energy on them. Of course, the house and general daily tasks do not go away because I am sick. I was fortunate that many friends and family had chipped in to help with food and support. It was amazing to have so many people try to help and how that can positively affect you. The meals that were given really provided a break for me in the evening. Something I never realized was so taxing until I got further into my treatment. Thanks to all of you who provided me with care and good wishes - it really makes a difference.

Being sick has prevented me from doing many of the activities I normally like to do on my "off" week. I only hope I get to pick them up again so I can be in some sort of shape once this all ends. However, I am just glad to be alive and enjoying my time! I look at my time as borrowed time and how lucky I am to have it.

I am enjoying the simple moments, like riding in the car with the windows down feeling the cool breeze on my bald (well, tiny haired) head. All while listening to my daughter laugh because the wind was blowing her hair wildly. Seeing my son beginning to make choices that direct his path. The joy of watching my kids swing in the backyard. The love of hugs given freely by the people I love. Simple daily joys are awesome!!!

My main delight is that I am 1/2 done with Taxotere and I am 3/4 done with chemotherapy. On that note... it is a great place to be. Even though I still have a ways to go - I am thrilled to be here. Thrilled!!!


“Do you know that I have undergone three quarters 
of this labour entirely for the sake of the fourth quarter?” 
- Thomas Hardy, Tess of the d'Urbervilles


Episode Reference: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, 
and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be.
 I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” 

Here we go again

Episode XL - I know your a cannonball


Taxotere #7


I have officially begun the last part of my chemotherapy treatment!! The early morning requirement to get the port ready for treatment was less daunting because I was glad to be halfway through with Taxotere.


Getting ready to leave...


I had a scheduled visit with the Oncologist prior to chemotherapy, but still went through my normal round of checking in and blood work procedures. I was thrilled that there were no issues with being poked or prodded. I was even more thrilled to have my chemo-buddy on hand to help pass the time as we waited for the doctor. Any time I have a scheduled visit that requires being seen, I can expect to be much longer than normal. A lot more sitting and waiting!

The Oncologist visit was quick. I was not as prepared as I should be, I was writing things down on the drive over. I went through my list of complaints, medicinal needs, and general questions. Overall, I was hanging tough through treatment. Especially since I have been sick for the past few weeks. My lymph node was still swollen and I felt pretty bad, but it seemed to be something that they were not too worried about. It seemed having a cold during chemo meant that the cold would linger on way past a normal healing time.

On a new note, I was going to get a CT scan soon to see how the mass had been progressing... or hopefully shrinking!! I was once again going to go back for some more testing in the near future, but the CT was super easy. The doctor's visit was brief and I was sent on my way to chemo, as my blood work was clear. Time to kill cancer!


Best chemo company ever!


I have to admit my company for chemotherapy has been outstanding. I have been able to actually laugh and enjoy what could be a tedious process. Sometimes we laugh a little too loud - causing curtains to be closed. Sometimes we laugh til crying occurs - causing odd looks given our way. I would not want it any other way! We make the best out of our time, because in a few minutes or hours I am going to be in some major pain.

As Taxotere has progressed, so has my reaction to chemo. The more it accumulates in my body, the more the side effects accumulate and react faster and harsher. Usually 30-45 minutes into treatment I feel the throat sores beginning to start. The nausea has increased and comes on soon after treatment. Even though my anti-nausea medicine has been increased, I am dealing with a cycling stomach, vomiting, diarrhea, & other stomach cramps hours after treatment. That physical discomfort lasts well into the week - taking days and days to get over. Of course there are more complaints, but I take my pain pill while leaving the cancer center and know that it will only block only a tiny amount of side effects coming my way!!!

Severe throat sores – check. Stomach churning nausea – check. Back breaking pain – check. Swelling aka edema – check. Intensified hand shaking & body twitching – check. Daily chemo side effects – check. Maintaining positive attitude – check.


My motivation to fight though the side effects...


In my head...


Thank goodness for my crazy sense of humor. It has really gotten me through some really tough days --- tough even if I was not dealing with cancer. That includes both kids having strep multiple times, as well as trying to fight it off myself. Along with the side effects lingering longer and pushing harder on my body. I am so grateful that I can laugh at how difficult it can be.

With the ever pressing physical discomfort it has become more difficult to rebound. Each treatment pushes me further out until I am back up on my feet. The added illnesses only lengthen my time down. Through the pain, through the challenges - I fight on - I laugh on.



“Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine.” 
- George Gordon Byron


Episode Reference: Cannonball, The Breeders song

Appreciate the simple things...

Episodee XLI - Life is, in fact, a battle.


Taxotere #8


I woke myself up super early and prepared myself for treatment. I took a quick shower (especially fast considering I still have almost no hair) and put numbing cream all over my port area with tired eyes. Then I ate a small bowl of bland cereal to help prevent major nausea from chemo. Afterwards it was still early enough for me to start my "normal" routine, meaning get the kids up and ready for school.

Going into treatment has only gotten more difficult. I am dealing with last week's side effects. I am still dealing with a cold. As each treatment builds, I never seem to fully recovered from chemotherapy, but here I go again.


Attempting to keep my humor before treatment.


I have to admit, the nurses are outstanding in the chemo treatment area. Anyone who has had any medical care knows how horrible or wonderful it can be based on the care you get. A good nurse was like the extra bonus on treatment day. I wanted to make sure they knew how much I appreciated their care...

So, I had gotten some flowers for the nurses in the back - the nurse's who handle all the medication in the treatment area. I have found that their good humor and good care were often under-appreciated by us patients. I see patient after patient living in such difficulty that they were probably unaware of the simple kindnesses of our nurses. Often we can be so wrapped up in our own pain and I want to make sure they know that I was thinking of them too.


Flowers for my chemo nurses!


Even though I was not scheduled for to see anyone, it seemed my constant state of illness warranted a nurse practitioner visit. So, I made my way through blood work and waited for my surprise visit. Of course I was not expecting to see anyone in the front, so I had not brought anything for the wonderful staff. I was planning to do that in a few weeks. However, I love the fact that they had no issue letting me know what they liked... lemon-filled doughnuts & popcorn! I know what to get for them now!!!

As for me, I got a quick check and a quick talk. My lymph node was still swollen. It would probably remain that way for a while. That once I caught a cold, I was probably going to hold on to it longer due to the chemo and affects of chemo. As always - my blood work was great! Even though I have been fighting colds and feeling rough, my blood work seemed to always hang in there. I have tough blood!!!


Mid-chemo treatment!


I went through my normal treatment... me, a comfy chair, warm blankets, great chemo-buddy conversation, and drugs. Not necessarily in that order!!

The side effects from treatment have continually changed. They have been not recently been multiplying, but intensifying. I should not say that as I am now bound to get something new!!

The throat/mouth sores love to pop up while I am still in the treatment chair. Soon after treatment, at lunch, was when most of the other symptoms amplify. The gut wrenching nausea usually starts nudging when I am eating lunch right after treatment. The back breaking pains jumps in to make sure I know it exists. I am very diligent to take a pain pill right after treatment to try and prevent some of the issues, but even on medication I get bombarded. I also carry my Phenergan, Hydromorphone, and Tylenol in my purse. Now a necessity, as I never know when I am going to need them. I need them more and more often now...


Hours after...   
 
Many hours/days later...


I spent the rest of the day feeling horrible... something that was not a surprise!

Of course it would not be my house if something did not go crazy. My daughter had gotten a high fever the night before treatment, the day of treatment, and was required to be at home on the day after. Oh yeah - I am probably going to catch that too!!! Even though I was exhausted, sick, and wanting to be selfish, I spent my time tending to her as well. At least I had some extra food from my chemo lunch to microwave!

The week after treatment I get up, get the kids ready, and drive them to school. The major goal of those trips was to not vomit on myself. Something I have been successful at so far. Usually there was a point at one stop light where it always seems to be a questionable. Sometimes I add not to urinate or have diarrhea as additional tests of my strength. It was like I was trying to avoid the idea of the messiest trifecta ever!

I spent the week dealing with colds, fevers, homework, make-up work, book fair, tests, and general insanity that comes from having kids. My poor husband was thrown into more of the mix and was juggling his own work and responsibilities. Of course that did not include dealing with all the crazy symptoms and issues regarding my own health... I have to deal with those daily. I was frustrated that I was so exhausted and sick that most of the week was either me in bed, dealing with kid craziness, and me back in bed. I think I was able to physically stand up and make one meal the whole week. I was unable to do anything other than function. I was definitely on survival mode... just get through the week... 




In my head...


I was in an appreciation mood. After treatment, I had to tell my friend how much she has meant to me during my treatments. I wanted her to know how wonderful it was that she was there for me and how much it truly means. When you go through something so personal with someone there's a special bond created. We spent hours every week sharing our lives with each other. I have not done something like that with a friend in ages, especially since I have had children. I felt fortunate to hear about her life. I felt fortunate to share my life with her. I felt fortunate to see the care and worry in her eyes while I am going through treatment. I knew that she was there because she did not want me to be alone. I knew she chose to be there for me. I knew I was lucky to have her as a friend!

I feel so lucky to be blessed and surrounded by wonderful friends and family. Since I usually feel bad and do not express it, I often feel I am not saying thank you enough. Plus, there are too many to even write about. From regular mail and gifts from family living away, to family traveling in during rough weeks, to meals cooked with love, to love and thoughts of encouragement - I am so fortunate. Even though I have not expressed it enough or to everyone, thank you!!! 

Next week is my "bad" week. The past two have been pretty rough, so I have no idea what I am really in for. The accumulation of chemotherapy has created a whirlwind of physical issues. Those physical pains can really affect the emotion well-being. I spend a lot of my time trying to manage the physical pains and convince myself that it could be so much worse. And it could! No doubt, it is not easy. I am tired. I am sick of being sick. I am ready to feel good. However, I still know it could be so much worse. I am fighting to get better. And I will laugh at this (well, some of it)!!!



"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something." 
- The Princess Bride by William Goldman (movie clip)



Episode Reference: from Henry James's Theory of Fiction: Henry James
"Life is, in fact, a battle.
Evil is insolent and strong; 
beauty enchanting, but rare; 
goodness very apt to be weak; 
folly very apt to be defiant; 
wickedness to carry the day; 
imbeciles to be in great places, 
people of sense in small, 
and mankind generally unhappy. 
But the world as it stands is no narrow illusion, 
no phantasm, no evil dream of the night; 
we wake up to it, forever and ever; 
and we can neither forget it nor deny it nor dispense with it.” 

Scan & chemo combo

Episode XLII - Keep holding on...


Taxotere #9


It was just like my normal chemo day, I got up and readied my port for treatment. However, I was taking a quick detour before treatment today to swing by and get a CT scan. The CT scan was minimal and for me the least informative testing I have had yet. Last time the results were hard to read so I was assuming the same type of results would occur again.


Going back for my CT scan...


On a good note, the scan was performed in my cancer center and they were able to use my port for not only the scan procedures, but to do my blood work and use the line for chemo later. It was a great all-in-one service! After getting a slightly painful jab, I was ready to proceed to the scan.

The CT scan was, as usual, very quick and painless. It took maybe a total time of 15 minutes. I climbed onto the table, raised my hands above my head, and was gentle inserted into a doughnut shaped machine. My IV line released some lovely chemicals and I held my breath a few times while I got moved back and forth. The end of the scan produced the dual feelings that I needed to pee and a slight warming sensation as if I had. Of course, I did not pee myself!

I was unhooked from the IV line and off to get my chemo treatment. My chemo-buddy had unfortunately caught strep (probably from me) and since my mom was in town, she opted to go to treatment with me. We made our way down the hallway and waited patiently for the pager to go off.

While waiting, one of my nurses happened to see me and went ahead and took my vitals. I have continued to be a challenging patient when it comes to blood pressure. She has given up trying to use the machine to take my blood pressure, so I was glad that I was avoiding the other nurses who continue to use the machine even after multiple failed attempts. My giant cancer-strength arms cannot be measured!


Getting my chemo on with my mom...


My mom and I made our way into the treatment area. When I went to my normal chair by the window the couple across the way closed their curtains, so we moved a seat down. I think the wife of the patient can't handle my sometimes loud and vivacious happy-go-lucky attitude! My mom was worried they needed privacy. However, there was no privacy for any of us. There are six chairs per section with only a curtain between us, if used, but I moved to make my mom happy. Bye-bye window seat!!! However, even without my window seat my mom and I had a great time talking and hanging out. My chemo sessions have become such a great time to spend with friends and family, full of laughs and fun!

My treatment went well and like normal I began my lovely swelling and throat sores soon after treatment started (20ish minutes). Nothing beats looking like a puffed up puffer-fish, as well as feeling prickling from the inside out.


How I feel...
Before treatment & After treatment!!!


I will say with the onset of fall, I am getting more chills during treatment, so I requested extra warm blankets. I love the warm blankets - what a wonderful treat! Unfortunately, I had to leave the luxury of my heated chair and warm blankets at the end of treatment.

Afterwards we went around looking for a place to eat. After multiple stops, due to being to early for lunch, we finally found a place to eat. And I was cranky for some food because I had not had my normal cereal before treatment. Sorry Mom! The CT scan required me to not eat before chemo and I knew I was going to pay for it sometime after treatment.


Ow... my tummy hurts!


And hours later I was so sick to my stomach as well as beginning to get the normal after chemo side effects. Even though I felt rough, life happens... especially with kids. Hours after treatment, they come home and one of them happen to forget his school laptop which required a very sick mother to drive back to his school in search for the lost item. The joys of parenting continue even when the parent's sick!!!


Forced back into mommy duties...


“Perhaps it takes courage to raise children..” 
- John Steinbeck, East of Eden

In my head...


I have completed my 3rd complete round of Taxotere. I only have 1 round (3 treatments) left! Each treatment becomes more challenging and my recover time extends further and further out, but I was so glad to be done with 3/4 of this treatment. While I was told that many people find AC chemo harder, the Taxotere has produced far more challenges for me... and it lasts longer!!!


"... And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’"
- Rudyard Kipling, If - (poem)


Episode Reference: Keep Holding On, Avril Lavigne song